Posted by: Euphoria on: September 17, 2010
Been a long while since I last blogged. Yet my first entry in ages is something like this.
But it’s good to keep a record of it in case someone burns my lappy and destroys all trace of evidence!
I want to continue blogging. Blog my fears away. Blog my tears away.
Posted by: Euphoria on: February 4, 2010
Why must we be miles apart?
It’s really sad that we don’t even get the chance to talk these days. It’s not even a matter of getting used to it. I mean…what do relationships live on without the fundamental communication?
I really hate LDRs. Sometimes I really wish I am single or I don’t have him in my life so I won’t have to miss him. Have you ever missed anyone so hard that your heart actually aches and you just cry because you can’t help it? I’m seriously suffering from heartache and just pretending that everything is all right. Who am I bluffing? Myself.
I hate it when my mind goes a complete blank! What’s wrong with me?
Even Dad and Mum feel this relationship is not solid and stable because we live too far apart. To meet 2-3 times a year? And then telling each other how much you love each other and so on and so forth just trying to reassure each other that we will get through this together despite not being able to spend time together…
I thought blogging out my feelings will probably make me feel better because there are things I want to tell him but unfortunately we can no longer talk to each other like before. And in fact, the more I think about it now, the more painful it feels.
Work is total crap. Family problems are total crap. Even my relationship is starting to get crappy too…as per K’s 54 million dollar question…how long can it last? Or how long can I last?
*fingers crossed*
I really wish I can see him again next week. Because it will mean a lot to me. A form of reassurance that he is still around and still in my life. Since we last made up, I had decided that I needed to talk to him in person. To be able to feel him and talk to him eye to eye. I guess chances are slim since he just started on his new job but I’m still hoping. But I know my hopes will be shattered very soon…otherwise I would not have gotten up early today just to go to the post office to mail out his V-Day gift…because deep down inside me, I probably know that it will not happen…
Why am I acting so miserable these days? Everything is crappy at this moment and I still have to force myself to smile and laugh and pretend that everything is OK?
I can’t be myself in the office. I can’t be myself when I’m back home. And the only person who can make me be myself is NOT even present. Tears are swallowed back into the stomach every day…and I just force myself to accept it….I hate this…..I really really hate this…
Posted by: Euphoria on: February 1, 2010
I was awoken in the middle of the night with a sudden pain in the chest and the pain got worse as I pressed my chest or when I coughed or sneezed. I was worried that it was a case of pneumonia as I had just read about it in the magazine about the seriousness of leaving a flu untreated as it could cause pneumonia if no proper care was taken. So I went on medical leave again just to go to my preferred family doctor for a check up who had advised that it was due to the earlier bout of flu as I didn’t recover fully from that.
I must have broken the record in 30 years to see the doctor 3 times in just one month. Why did my health suddenly deteriorate this year?
I was talking to the clinic people just when I was collecting my medicine and I asked for the health screening package which included a whole list of tests and checks at the price of S$280. Would definitely be a good idea to do it since I’ve never done it before esp. the cancer marker tests, ECG and chest X-ray. Moreover, it has been almost 5 years since I last checked my cholesterol and glucose level.
Three resolutions to work on once I recover from flu:
1. No more alcohol. I have decided to swear off any wine or beer whether for work or leisure. My tolerance for alcohol these days has gone so low that I’m putting too much pressure on my own liver – just not worth it.
2. I’m going to prepare my own meals for at least 3 lunches per week at work. Back to my old diet of just chicken breast and vegetables, not only are they healthy, I could lose weight easily as well since I don’t consume carbohydrates for lunch. Only limit carbohydrates to breakfast.
3. Time to hit the gym again. No more excuses this time.
And ONE area to work on now:
1. Sleep before 12.30am so I get at least 7 hours of quality sleep every night. I read somewhere that one is prone to flu and colds if he/she doesn’t get enough sleep and works too hard. I’m probably one of them now which is really BAD. Self-induced illnesses can be prevented. How can I allow myself to get sick again and again? Not only it burns a hole in the pocket (I can’t get reimbursement for my own family doctor!). The medicine that I’ve been taking are simply horrible. The congestion I get in my chest greatly impairs my fitness. Gosh, I just feel so UNFIT!
Now that my LG has gone to work, I have to readjust my night time activities, spend less time on the PC and sleep early. I miss him terribly. Guess I’ll take a while to get used to this.
Looking at the bright side of things, I’m having a new hobby of looking up interior design websites and sourcing for reasonably priced furniture just to get more inspiration to build my new home with LG. Can’t wait for the day to come when I can finally live together with LG.
Hope he’s doing well in the office today. Missing him sooooooooooooooo much….
Posted by: Euphoria on: January 28, 2010
Lol. That’s what K always says of me. If I don’t behave like this, how am I able to lead my team? How am I able to manage my suppliers? How am I able to manage difficult clients? How am I able to manage senior managers who only know how to talk and act? How am I able to manage crises and emergencies?
I am proud of who I am. At work. Unfortunately.
At this very moment as I’m typing this entry, I’m only hearing sighing in the background…loud thumping noises…screaming at some poor cats to have them shut up (as though they understand) and then whining to heaven and earth for being so stressed. In the first place, who wanted to keep these cats? Despite our strong objections.
I can’t help but think – SERVES YOU RIGHT. Don’t blame heaven, don’t blame earth, don’t blame anyone because you brought this upon yourself when you could have prevented it but you chose to turn a deaf ear to our advice. I am equally PISSED that I’m not able to get my peace when home after fighting senseless wars with senseless people in the office. What’s wrong with my boss?
1. The staff refuses to go for tennis lessons. It has nothing to do with me.
2. The staff boycotts JS and refuses to talk to him. It has nothing to do with me.
3. The staff refuses to greet “good morning” in the mornings. It has nothing to do with me.
4. Some acting GM who only knows how to suck his boss’ ass and lick her toes is again the biggest joke ever. Seeing this insurance agent now just reminds me of how stupid SY was previously when he was the GM. Call them the lackeys. Somehow I do pity them that they have to bow down to a WOMAN without solid substance. How I miss OLD WITCH!!!
How dysfunctional can senior management be? Or rather, is there a management in the first place? Full of crap.
I’m so glad it’s almost the end of the week. The highlight of the day is always seeing the clock moving towards 6.30pm so I can pack up and move out of the office. It’s weird but I’ve been coughing non stop when I’m in the office. But when I leave the place, my cough seems to disappear. Allergic to work environment. I’m really seriously ill.
K talked to me about her intention to tender. I felt sad for a moment because she is the only real person in this office who can talk sense with me. But seriously why should she leave? If someone has to leave, it will not be her but SOMEONE ELSE. So I want to stay on to watch the show until the end too…
Posted by: Euphoria on: January 25, 2010
Finally I received two boxes of name cards with my new designation – Head of Events. The next thing was, I heard my staff referring to me as “my head” which sounded like the popularly used term “my foot” when one is frustrated or mad over something or someone. K said to me, “G, what’s the good news? You’ve always been the head of events!”. That is so true.
Miscellaneous things had happened over the week but they didn’t quite enable me to muster enough inspiration to blog about them until now. I just thought about the lunch on Friday at the Fish Meat Steamboat place at Ah Hood Road. There were 5 of us -
1. One who had acted stupid
2. One who is trying to act stupid
3. One who is acting stupid
4. One who is ALWAYS acting smart
5. One who is disgusted by all the 4 above – needless to say, this was me.
It was a simple lunch where they were all talking and laughing and ensuring that the boss was well taken care of at the table. When the boss left for an appointment and I had to bunk into one of their cars, there was only absolute silence in the car during the journey back to the office. Even when no. 2 tried to make conversation, no one paid attention to him. If I were the judging panel for the OSCARS Academy Awards, I must say the winners are no other than them. Superb acting that only the one acting smart thinks that they treat her like a friend. Conclusion? If I can’t be one of them, join them.
Seriously, what makes me agree to go for such lunches? For free lunch? Not that I can’t afford my meals. To have fun? I’d probably enjoy it more if I eat alone. To get to know my nemesis nemeses (yea, probably more than 1 now) better. Otherwise, how to win this losing war? Blame it on my poor acting. Even if I act like a victim, it’s still not convincing enough.
Lucky for me. During K’s appraisal when she confronted M that she is an unapproachable person, the latter said it isn’t true because K can check with G (that’s me) because I have her wrapped around my finger. But as per K’s 54 million dollar question, how long can it last? One day, some nemesis of mine will break that bond and cause chaos. Now that my grandfather is retiring from June onwards and KD is coming on board as a consultant, I seriously doubt this company is going to last. I have warned M about the sensitive issues of having KD in. I have warned M about possible problems that may arise because she is putting her trust on the wrong people. So far, my foresight and intuition have NOT gone haywire but I’m just gradually seeing her sending this company to its doom…2nd year of seeing red shows how ‘financially strong’ our company is at this moment…
I can’t help but worry about my job path now. Hmm, why not career path? Because I was told that I couldn’t be made Director because I wasn’t 40 years old and that I was barely 30 years old so I was too young. In other words, is my next promotion in 10 years’ time? How exciting.
I guess the old staff are really expecting me to resign by now and just can’t believe why I’m still with this dysfunctional company with a so-called horrible boss (but easily manipulated or managed in a good sense). But seriously, if anyone has ever worked with the OLD WITCH, then they will know why M is not a lethal poison to me because I’ve suffered worse than that. And its a pity if I don’t stay here for a few more years because it’s easy to get what I want right now. I’ve moved up from Senior Events Executive to Events Manager to Head of Events with a 50% pay rise of what I got when I first joined the company. I must be now in my company’s history books for being the first staff ever to climb so fast to get what I want in terms of salary and like M said, I’m barely 30!
I’m just beginning to understand why I’m still staying put here. As long as I am paid well, I will deliver results to my due diligence. It’s just a business transaction. Give me what I want and I will give you what you want. Materialistic. But do I have a choice? I need money. Something I can never complain of having too much of it.
