Moments of Life

An email to my boss

Euphoria — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 14:03:51 +0000

Been a long while since I last blogged. Yet my first entry in ages is something like this.

But it’s good to keep a record of it in case someone burns my lappy and destroys all trace of evidence!

I want to continue blogging. Blog my fears away. Blog my tears away.

Hi M,

I**** has conveyed your message to me that the travel allowance in my claims is not approved.

I do not understand why you have not approached me directly with a clarification on this.

If I may help you recap, this discussion of reinstating travel allowance was dated during our Kota Kinabalu site inspection trip in May. I am certain you are aware I was the one who tabled this matter for your consideration. I had requested that the original travel allowance amount of $90/$45 per day be reinstated and that we could do away with the meal allowance of $50 per day. During that discussion, you had agreed in principle on the basis of ‘providing a benefit to confirmed staff only’. You may have forgotten but when we returned to office the following week, I had brought up this matter again with you in your office which you then cast in stone by clearly stating names of staff like J******, J****** and S**** who will also be entitled to this new travel policy. You had also agreed to my suggestion that the Company will pick up the tab if a team dinner with mandatory attendance is required to be organized when we are overseas.

The amount of $90/$45 is to be used to cover all meals expense, personal phone expenses, laundry expenses and the like whereas the $50 allowance is only for meals. Also, I clearly recalled that you had specifically instructed that meals will have to be on dutch if we are claiming this travel allowance which I had also duly practiced (and paid you back in cash) at our last trip to Philippines except one dinner which you had kindly treated me.

Apparently now it seems that Management will not be honouring its initial decision.

Referring to the recent incident of time off-in-lieu for working on Saturday, please be reminded that I had not approached you to request for time off-in-lieu before but you had informed me that a half day will be given back to my team and myself as our attendance were required at the **-***** meeting on a non-working Saturday which I had also informed my team straight after your confirmation. It came as a shock when the week before the meeting, you informed me again that from that day onwards, no time off-in-lieu will be given for working on weekends and that ‘senior staff’ (with salary of above 1.5k) will not be entitled to time off-in-lieu. I understood your frustration because other staff had made demands on you. I respected your decision on this and did not further pursue.

This is however the second time Management is ‘playing its own staff out’.

M, I am not trying to be difficult but I hope you can understand where I am coming from. As a senior HOD in this Company, I have always exercised my full professionalism in my work and in the office which you have acknowledged and complimented me on. It is disheartening and extremely difficult to work in an environment and be a HOD when we do not have fixed policies, have ever-changing policies (without formal notification to staff) and we don’t deliver what we promise to staff. If Company is not willing to make adjustments or give staff their due benefits (which are now discounted further from the recent adjustment again), then it shouldn’t even be promised (and said) in the first place because it is never delivered in the end.

I really need to review how I can continue to work with you in future.

We need to talk. Please call me on my mobile when you are available.

Thanks,

Miles apart…

Euphoria — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 16:40:37 +0000

Why must we be miles apart?

It’s really sad that we don’t even get the chance to talk these days. It’s not even a matter of getting used to it. I mean…what do relationships live on without the fundamental communication?

I really hate LDRs. Sometimes I really wish I am single or I don’t have him in my life so I won’t have to miss him. Have you ever missed anyone so hard that your heart actually aches and you just cry because you can’t help it? I’m seriously suffering from heartache and just pretending that everything is all right. Who am I bluffing? Myself.

I hate it when my mind goes a complete blank! What’s wrong with me?

Even Dad and Mum feel this relationship is not solid and stable because we live too far apart. To meet 2-3 times a year? And then telling each other how much you love each other and so on and so forth just trying to reassure each other that we will get through this together despite not being able to spend time together…

I thought blogging out my feelings will probably make me feel better because there are things I want to tell him but unfortunately we can no longer talk to each other like before. And in fact, the more I think about it now, the more painful it feels.

Work is total crap. Family problems are total crap. Even my relationship is starting to get crappy too…as per K’s 54 million dollar question…how long can it last? Or how long can I last?

*fingers crossed*

I really wish I can see him again next week. Because it will mean a lot to me. A form of reassurance that he is still around and still in my life. Since we last made up, I had decided that I needed to talk to him in person. To be able to feel him and talk to him eye to eye. I guess chances are slim since he just started on his new job but I’m still hoping. But I know my hopes will be shattered very soon…otherwise I would not have gotten up early today just to go to the post office to mail out his V-Day gift…because deep down inside me, I probably know that it will not happen…

Why am I acting so miserable these days? Everything is crappy at this moment and I still have to force myself to smile and laugh and pretend that everything is OK?

I can’t be myself in the office. I can’t be myself when I’m back home. And the only person who can make me be myself is NOT even present. Tears are swallowed back into the stomach every day…and I just force myself to accept it….I hate this…..I really really hate this…

Falling sick 3 times in 1 month…

Euphoria — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 13:41:38 +0000

I was awoken in the middle of the night with a sudden pain in the chest and the pain got worse as I pressed my chest or when I coughed or sneezed. I was worried that it was a case of pneumonia as I had just read about it in the magazine about the seriousness of leaving a flu untreated as it could cause pneumonia if no proper care was taken. So I went on medical leave again just to go to my preferred family doctor for a check up who had advised that it was due to the earlier bout of flu as I didn’t recover fully from that.

I must have broken the record in 30 years to see the doctor 3 times in just one month. Why did my health suddenly deteriorate this year?

I was talking to the clinic people just when I was collecting my medicine and I asked for the health screening package which included a whole list of tests and checks at the price of S$280. Would definitely be a good idea to do it since I’ve never done it before esp. the cancer marker tests, ECG and chest X-ray. Moreover, it has been almost 5 years since I last checked my cholesterol and glucose level.

Three resolutions to work on once I recover from flu:

1. No more alcohol. I have decided to swear off any wine or beer whether for work or leisure. My tolerance for alcohol these days has gone so low that I’m putting too much pressure on my own liver – just not worth it.

2. I’m going to prepare my own meals for at least 3 lunches per week at work. Back to my old diet of just chicken breast and vegetables, not only are they healthy, I could lose weight easily as well since I don’t consume carbohydrates for lunch. Only limit carbohydrates to breakfast.

3. Time to hit the gym again. No more excuses this time.

And ONE area to work on now:

1. Sleep before 12.30am so I get at least 7 hours of quality sleep every night. I read somewhere that one is prone to flu and colds if he/she doesn’t get enough sleep and works too hard. I’m probably one of them now which is really BAD. Self-induced illnesses can be prevented. How can I allow myself to get sick again and again? Not only it burns a hole in the pocket (I can’t get reimbursement for my own family doctor!). The medicine that I’ve been taking are simply horrible. The congestion I get in my chest greatly impairs my fitness. Gosh, I just feel so UNFIT!

Now that my LG has gone to work, I have to readjust my night time activities, spend less time on the PC and sleep early. I miss him terribly. Guess I’ll take a while to get used to this.

Looking at the bright side of things, I’m having a new hobby of looking up interior design websites and sourcing for reasonably priced furniture just to get more inspiration to build my new home with LG. Can’t wait for the day to come when I can finally live together with LG.

Hope he’s doing well in the office today. Missing him sooooooooooooooo much….

A lamb in tiger skin

Euphoria — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:13:42 +0000

Lol. That’s what K always says of me. If I don’t behave like this, how am I able to lead my team? How am I able to manage my suppliers? How am I able to manage difficult clients? How am I able to manage senior managers who only know how to talk and act? How am I able to manage crises and emergencies?

I am proud of who I am. At work. Unfortunately.

At this very moment as I’m typing this entry, I’m only hearing sighing in the background…loud thumping noises…screaming at some poor cats to have them shut up (as though they understand) and then whining to heaven and earth for being so stressed. In the first place, who wanted to keep these cats? Despite our strong objections.

I can’t help but think – SERVES YOU RIGHT. Don’t blame heaven, don’t blame earth, don’t blame anyone because you brought this upon yourself when you could have prevented it but you chose to turn a deaf ear to our advice. I am equally PISSED that I’m not able to get my peace when home after fighting senseless wars with senseless people in the office. What’s wrong with my boss?

1. The staff refuses to go for tennis lessons. It has nothing to do with me.

2. The staff boycotts JS and refuses to talk to him. It has nothing to do with me.

3. The staff refuses to greet “good morning” in the mornings. It has nothing to do with me.

4. Some acting GM who only knows how to suck his boss’ ass and lick her toes is again the biggest joke ever. Seeing this insurance agent now just reminds me of how stupid SY was previously when he was the GM. Call them the lackeys. Somehow I do pity them that they have to bow down to a WOMAN without solid substance. How I miss OLD WITCH!!!

How dysfunctional can senior management be? Or rather, is there a management in the first place? Full of crap.

I’m so glad it’s almost the end of the week. The highlight of the day is always seeing the clock moving towards 6.30pm so I can pack up and move out of the office. It’s weird but I’ve been coughing non stop when I’m in the office. But when I leave the place, my cough seems to disappear. Allergic to work environment. I’m really seriously ill.

K talked to me about her intention to tender. I felt sad for a moment because she is the only real person in this office who can talk sense with me. But seriously why should she leave? If someone has to leave, it will not be her but SOMEONE ELSE. So I want to stay on to watch the show until the end too…

My Head

Euphoria — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 13:15:53 +0000

Finally I received two boxes of name cards with my new designation – Head of Events. The next thing was, I heard my staff referring to me as “my head” which sounded like the popularly used term “my foot” when one is frustrated or mad over something or someone. K said to me, “G, what’s the good news? You’ve always been the head of events!”. That is so true.

Miscellaneous things had happened over the week but they didn’t quite enable me to muster enough inspiration to blog about them until now. I just thought about the lunch on Friday at the Fish Meat Steamboat place at Ah Hood Road. There were 5 of us -

1. One who had acted stupid
2. One who is trying to act stupid
3. One who is acting stupid
4. One who is ALWAYS acting smart
5. One who is disgusted by all the 4 above – needless to say, this was me.

It was a simple lunch where they were all talking and laughing and ensuring that the boss was well taken care of at the table. When the boss left for an appointment and I had to bunk into one of their cars, there was only absolute silence in the car during the journey back to the office. Even when no. 2 tried to make conversation, no one paid attention to him. If I were the judging panel for the OSCARS Academy Awards, I must say the winners are no other than them. Superb acting that only the one acting smart thinks that they treat her like a friend. Conclusion? If I can’t be one of them, join them.

Seriously, what makes me agree to go for such lunches? For free lunch? Not that I can’t afford my meals. To have fun? I’d probably enjoy it more if I eat alone. To get to know my ~~nemesis~~ nemeses (yea, probably more than 1 now) better. Otherwise, how to win this losing war? Blame it on my poor acting. Even if I act like a victim, it’s still not convincing enough.

Lucky for me. During K’s appraisal when she confronted M that she is an unapproachable person, the latter said it isn’t true because K can check with G (that’s me) because I have her wrapped around my finger. But as per K’s 54 million dollar question, how long can it last? One day, some nemesis of mine will break that bond and cause chaos. Now that my grandfather is retiring from June onwards and KD is coming on board as a consultant, I seriously doubt this company is going to last. I have warned M about the sensitive issues of having KD in. I have warned M about possible problems that may arise because she is putting her trust on the wrong people. So far, my foresight and intuition have NOT gone haywire but I’m just gradually seeing her sending this company to its doom…2nd year of seeing red shows how ‘financially strong’ our company is at this moment…

I can’t help but worry about my job path now. Hmm, why not career path? Because I was told that I couldn’t be made Director because I wasn’t 40 years old and that I was barely 30 years old so I was too young. In other words, is my next promotion in 10 years’ time? How exciting.

I guess the old staff are really expecting me to resign by now and just can’t believe why I’m still with this dysfunctional company with a so-called horrible boss (but easily manipulated or managed in a good sense). But seriously, if anyone has ever worked with the OLD WITCH, then they will know why M is not a lethal poison to me because I’ve suffered worse than that. And its a pity if I don’t stay here for a few more years because it’s easy to get what I want right now. I’ve moved up from Senior Events Executive to Events Manager to Head of Events with a 50% pay rise of what I got when I first joined the company. I must be now in my company’s history books for being the first staff ever to climb so fast to get what I want in terms of salary and like M said, I’m barely 30!

I’m just beginning to understand why I’m still staying put here. As long as I am paid well, I will deliver results to my due diligence. It’s just a business transaction. Give me what I want and I will give you what you want. Materialistic. But do I have a choice? I need money. Something I can never complain of having too much of it.

A holiday fling

Euphoria — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 18:04:48 +0000

Don’t know why that’s my subject line. But whenever I think about C, it just reminds me of that whirlwind romance we had more than 5 years ago. And yes, 5 years had passed since the breakup. And really amazing to know that he still remembers my birthday. As I read his ultra super long email, it just brought back some fond memories that once were familiar to me. Such thoughtful words warmed my heart because he recalled how I had used to spend my birthdays in tears. I cried again tonight. Not because of family issues but because I fully understand the current situation I am in and I know how uncertain the future may be.

Knowing that J is now able to read my blog and yet I am blogging about C whom J had told me clearly that he didn’t like me seeing him. I respected his decision. We hardly spoke tonight because I didn’t know what to say. The crappy excuses of not wishing a person’s birthday in advance were just conversation killers. Probably I just didn’t understand his sense of humour on that. Or rather they didn’t make sense to me at all. Even a birthday wish on my FB came as a request from me which I believe it won’t appear if I didn’t ask in the first place. Best of all, he lost track of the time to wish me on time and could even send me a message to say he only just realised it’s my birthday. Everyone’s birthday wish and gift came on time except his. What does this signify? I guess I must be the most PATHETIC GF on earth to ever be fishing for more thoughtfulness from my BF when I believe such things should come from the bottom of your heart and hence will come automatically. It’s not the gift that I care about. It’s really the thought that counts. It is comforting to know that I have sweet and thoughtful friends around. I think I must be demanding for the impossible again then and making myself miserable for nothing. G G G, please don’t expect too much so you won’t be disappointed!!! Why can’t I just be more simple minded?

I can’t deny I’m disappointed again. The distance makes it worse. He’s going to start work soon which means we have even lesser time for each other when ‘we’ time is already limited. I can’t help but worry. Because I don’t know if I will have the patience to get through this even though he always sounded so confident.

Nothing can describe how I am feeling right now. Heart pain again. And I hate this. So hate this.

When 2 becomes 3…

Euphoria — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 17:00:51 +0000

I’m officially 30 from this moment onwards. And again, it’s something that I have always dreaded even though age is just a number.

Moving into the 30s simply reminds me how my biological clock is clicking away. And then you’d start questioning yourself – what have I achieved in my 30 years?

It has been a fascinating journey and I must say life has been colourful with its ups and downs. I was highly moved tonight by a story of how a man has changed because of his love for his wife only to leave her behind when he dies unexpectedly and all that remains are memories of his promises to her. Life is indeed fragile. When a person leaves this world, where does he or she go to? At times, I do wonder where my soul mate has gone to. 4 years 2 months of moving on without you. I still feel my life is incomplete because I am missing your presence. Every birthday, my only wish is to see you again and tell you about the moments of my life just like how I keep my blog, knowing that you’d immediately understand every single thing I write here…

I am happy. Happily contented. Cherishing my family, my love, my work, my friends and all the little things in life. Knowing that you will be happy for me too where ever you are right now. Having that strength and tenacity in me makes me look forward to my 40s, 50s and even 60s and beyond.

I thought I saw you the other night because that person looked so much like you. Guess I can never say enough. I miss you. I really really do.

My heartfelt thanks…

Euphoria — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 03:40:14 +0000

to Fate for giving me the chance to know both Pinky and CS.

The most meaningful birthday present I have received to date will definitely be this handmade card which I received from Pinky this evening. She and CS had both written personal messages for me.

Dear G:

Happy Birthday (in advance)!!! Hehe. I think this is the 3rd year I’m wishing you this. That means, we have known each other for more than 3 years! It doesn’t feel like 3 years. Sometimes, I feel like I’ve known you for 10 years! Because it seems like we have endless things to talk about. I didn’t regret joining *** because it has taught me some valuable life lessons and also allowed me to meet great friends like you! Thanks for being my encouraging, cute, pretty, caring, supportive and cheerful Greeny. Thank you for the valuable advices that you have given me.

May you marry your Lou Gong soon (I want to be your Jie Mei ah!) And also stay happy always. Thanks for being such a great friend + shopping partner! Stay pretty + cute + young + healthy!

Love + Muacks, Pinky

Happy early birthday :) :) May you continue to look younger, prettier and most importantly, be happy + contented with your life!

I am glad to have met a motherly soul at the place-that-must-not-be-named, it really helped to make each day at work easier and put things into perspective. Thank you for that! And also, as we grow older & go out into the working world, I really will look to you as a role model :) So be prepared!! :p :p

Be happy happy and in love always with your special someone. Treasure him, treasure your cats, treasure your family, your friends too. :) This is the only secret to happiness in life.

Love, CS

Somehow life gets better with age. Not because I have attained more things than before but because I’ve learned how to love my life in a way I haven’t done so before.

The present is the best gift anyone can ever have. I will definitely bring all your best wishes with me as I embrace my new phase of life…

A promotion and then a demotion…

Euphoria — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:54:53 +0000

Jan 11th

“In my capacity as the Managing Director, I shall make you Events Director.”

Jan 12th

“Sorry G, T feels that you’re too young to be called a Director. You’re even barely 30! A director should be at least 40 years old. You’re just too young.”

So I got a promotion yesterday. Then a demotion today. But the funniest thing is, my salary is not affected.

Anyway, I don’t really care what position she gives me so long I get my full KPI package, full AWS and my promised-long-time-ago pay rise!

Anyway, what kind of management is this? They just change their mind like changing underwear! Geez.

PS: I’m still wondering what my Lou Gong is giving me for my birthday…its big and its usable…but it’s something I don’t use it that often…hmm

Looking back into 2009

Euphoria — Sun, 03 Jan 2010 15:53:50 +0000

I hadn’t posted on my blog for exactly one year. Yet I felt compelled to log in and post something.

What is in my mind right now?

2009 went by in a flash after a dramatic 2008. Over the year, there were plenty of ups and downs, laughters and tears…I guess I should be contented because 2009 had been my best year in my entire 29 years.

Why?

Because of my first time(s).

Having a relationship with J whom I had known for 5 years 5 months and had dearly missed and loved for 5 years exactly. And still loving him wholeheartedly :) No longer running away from him or lying to myself because I can finally open myself up to him, show him who I really am, give him all of me and have him as part of my life. The best thing is I am not in love with someone else but still with J only. Thank you for letting me love you and thank you for loving me dear :) I love you :) I really really do :)
Seen Gaudi’s famous works in Barcelona, Spain. And I must say he was a genius architect.
Knowing that my passion for events has not died down because the satisfaction I get from completing an event successfully is something which money can’t buy. For this, I am really proud to be who I am today because I do love my work wholeheartedly and will continue to deliver for as long as I am in this industry.
Went up the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France with my love. Of course, J himself.
Travelled and worked in Bangkok, Thailand for 5 days all by myself and experienced a totally different working culture which truly inspired me.
Visited Bali, Indonesia twice and enjoyed the sun and the sea and the warmth of the local people. Not forgetting the wonderful Balinese massage at the spa at Grand Hyatt which never fails to make me feel rejuvenated.
Visited Bali, Indonesia the third time in a year. This time with J for a honeymoon-like holiday. We stayed in a small but cosy villa with a tiny plunge pool. Really missed the times when we played in the water…the sun burn…the lobster dinner…the very expensive fine dining at Ku De Ta…the overflowing toilet bowl…the disc in the DVD player…the indulgence of KFC…bread pudding…
Splurged on an expensive weekend getaway at Ritz Carlton with J. Still can’t believe we spent more than $900+ for the stay but it was an unforgettable experience because we simply loved the corner room, the view, the bathroom and the big bed!
Visited London and Essex, UK. And finally meeting with J’s family. It was a wonderful experience to spend time with the family because of the warmth in the family and the love and bond between all. Not forgetting my fave activity which was shopping at the retail parks! And I missed my R Whites Diet Lemonade and my Tesco Choux Buns!
Visited Seoul, South Korea and enjoyed authentic Korean meals with home-cooked style side dishes, hot rice and soup and not forgetting my fave kimchi.
Applied for my first American Express Credit Card that credits points earned into Krisflyer miles. Still happily charging my purchases to the card and getting my miles. Seems like one of my frequently asked question is, “Do you accept AMEX?”.
Finally travelled to Kuala Lumpur. And countless times in a year. Impiana Hotel is almost like a second home.
Visited Saudi Arabia and got chased out of a shopping mall because I wasn’t appropriately dressed. Because of this, my client bought me an abaya set with head scarf that probably cost more than $800.
Visited Langkawi for the second time and actually felt depressed staying at the Andaman even though it was just next to the sea, overlooking lush greenery.
Upgraded my mobile phone to a LG touch screen one and now deeply missing Nokia.
Texted my ex-boss because I bought a box of mooncakes for her during Mooncake Festival. However we didn’t meet up in the end. But I must have created history by being the first ex-staff to keep in touch with her. In fact, I do miss her. After working with my current company, only then I realised why AL had to do what she did. Maybe deep inside me, I still couldn’t quite convince myself or bring myself to agree that what she did was right but looking back, it wasn’t really as bad as I thought. If I had looked at things from different angles, I could probably save myself from feeling resentful towards her. The hurt and pain still remained but never had I regretted working with her because it was a big lesson learnt and tremendous experience gained. It was a survival test and I survived so thank you. Without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Better manage my current boss. From the experience gained over the years, I decided no other person can be as potent as AL so all other nonsense from bosses, I can now better deal with them in the most professional manner ever. I am not an events manager for nothing!
Learnt to lower my expectations. The once 101% perfectionist had kinda dropped that percentage to 75%. I guess work is only work and it is not the most important aspect of life so why suffer over it? We can never achieve 100% for every task or assignment. The higher we aim, the more painful it gets when we don’t achieve it.

There’s probably much more to the list but here are 18 things which are floating in my mind right now and I shall write them down before they fade away.

Life’s good. I should be contented. I am going to focus on what I have and what I had now rather than what I still do not have. Sometimes happiness is just about the simplest things in life…